John 21:15-19

"Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."

When I read this verse, it hit me hard. If I have courage like Peter, then this will be me too. If I stretch out my arms, Jesus will dress me and lead me where I don't want to go. I am speaking of my upcoming marriage. Jesus is leading me toward a much more difficult life. Single life is easy, I don't have to compromise, I do what I want when I want, I spend my money as I choose, I make decisions based on what I want and what is best for me. It is easy and relatively stress free. In marriage there is compromise, there is stress and tension, decisions can no longer be made base soley on what I want. In short, it is the more difficult path.

Based on this analysis, it would seem obvious to not get married and live my comfortable single life. However, God does not want the easy way for us, but the best way. If the path to heaven was through a comfortable, easy life then God wouldn't have sent His Son to suffer and die on the cross as an example for us to follow. Easy is not best.

I have been struggling mightily with fear about my coming marriage. Reflecting on this passage has been helpful for me. I know that to love Jesus and to follow Him, I need to live outside of my comfort zone. I know he will lead me where I don't want to go, a place where life isn't necessarily easy, but as with Peter, this will be how I glorify God. Jesus is saying to you and me as he did to Peter in the final words of this passage, "Follow me."

God, dispel my fear. Grant me strength like Peter, to be lead where I don't want to go in order to glorify you.

Romans 8:18-31

So, this passage was one of the readings this past Sunday. I first read this passage when a friend of mine at Purdue sent it to me when i was going through a difficult time with my family and school. This passage is both incredibly simple and very deep at the same time.

Sometimes I get too caught up in all the things going on in my life and sometimes it seems that everything going against me is insurmountable. But, just remembering this simple fact: "...that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." helps reset my thinking and puts thing in perspective. This passage is always something that i go back to when I am feeling stressed or worn out.
And as it goes on to say, "...We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God."

This is a comforting fact, even if we don't know what to pray for, God knows what we need from the depths of our hearts.

- Luke

The Necessity of a Broken Spirit - Psalm 51

When I was praying through Psalm 51 earlier this week, the line that continued to stick with me was "The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart."  In Esto, we frequently discuss our most prominent flaws as men (especially pride) that continue to lead us to sin.  This line struck me, because in essence, I feel that this proposes why we sin; we are not broken spirits.  

To have a broken spirit acceptable to God calls us to 'break' our pride, selfishness, and worldly longings in order to truly embrace God in our lives.  What prevents us from breaking these flaws?  Subconsciously, I tend to fear the prospect that only such a seemingly intangible entity can deliver me the fulfillment I long for.  As a result, in moments of insecurity, anxiety, and uncertainty, I sometimes flee to the things in life that have given me momentary emotional or sensory pleasure, because that fleeting gratification which I perceive to control, appears to be the best I can hope for from that moment.  All the while, an ever present emptiness in my heart suggests otherwise.

I seek these momentary pleasures or worldly indulgences, and realize, the root of that decision is relying on myself and the world for fulfillment instead of God.  To have this broken spirit is to truly abandon oneself to God; to live every moment looking to him instead of ourselves and the world. As long as I purport to any degree that happiness can be derived from my accomplishments or the world, will I not be a slave to sin?

Imagining John 8:1-11

While I was imagining the scene as the adulterer woman, immediately upon being thrown in front of Jesus,  I felt physical anxiety. Worry and fear began setting in and all I could think was, Is this Jesus guy going to let me die? Is this it? Is my time here on this earth over? Then He spoke:

 Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.

 woah woah wait...what? You are just going to let this happen to me? Surely someone in the crowd thinks they are without sin!? You are supposed to heal the sick, cure the lame! Aren't you going to save me?? Give me what I want?

I stopped, ceased to be in the story at this point. What the hell am I saying?

I didn't feel shame or guilt for challenging and doubting Christ (thankfully). Quite the contrary--I felt God say 'Relax man. I got this, I know what you need. Just keep becoming the man I created you to be, "Go and from now on do not sin any more."

Be well,

Psalm 6

Do not punish me Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, and I will proclaim your greatness; I will proclaim your name. I tire of my sinfulness, and mourn for the rift it has placed between us. But the Lord has answered my prayers; He has taken my sins upon himself. He has taken the punishment due to me. He has defeated sin and death, and the enemy is terrified. The Lord has answered my prayer.

Do You Give God a Bro Hug?

The other night, I was catching up on a video from the Oremus study that I missed from week 5. Where the priest was talking about imaginative prayer - being able to put yourself in, and walk through the scriptures.

The priest gave us, what I would call, a guided mediation. He said to close our eye and imagine yourself where you are in the room.

"Okay, Father, I'm on the couch."

I had a vision of myself sitting on the couch. I thought this was going to be easy....

He then said to imagine Jesus walking toward you. I did, but from a side perspective. I saw Jesus walking to me, but not in the first person. It was as if I was another person in the room witnessing what was going on.

Then Father said to imagine Jesus sitting next me you. At this point, I realized that I need to imagine myself in the first person. So I was thinking to myself....

"Well, Jesus... there isn't any room for you to sit next to me. This side is the armrest and the other side of the couch is a drink console.... Well I guess you can sit here on the armrest." 

As he went on in the meditation, Father asked us to look Jesus in the depth of His eyes. 

I couldn't. I couldn't visualize the face of Jesus, because I had been distancing myself.

 Later on in the mediation things got much better. Jesus wants to know us on an intimate level. He wants us to feel His heart beat. He wants us to fully embrace what He is offering us. 

It was like I was giving Jesus a bro hug. 

It was as if I want to know Jesus for a moment, pat Him on the back, and then move on with my life because I checked off prayer for the day.

No.

Jesus wants us to run into His arms and embrace Him like in the story of the lost son. To say, "this is me, these are my faults, right HERE is where I am most broken. Jesus, make me whole."

It all comes back to us. Are we willing to let Him make us whole? Are we ready to do His will... or does it just sound like a nice idea?

Run to Jesus. Embrace Him with your entire self. He will take you on an amazing ride.

A Clean Heart Create For Me, God

So, this passage is famous for a lot of reasons (as you can see - me and Scott chose the same one). It is well-known for many reasons, none of which is more important than why it was written.  This prayer comes from the heart of David as he sits among the broken remnants of his life.  A life that was blessed by God, but broken by his sinful choices.  We all know the story... David, in his weakness, a weakness that was probably paved my many other smaller choices of weakness, steals from God instead of receiving from Him. In his want, he sees something and grasps, taking it as his own. Instead of trusting that God, his Father that called him and whom he knew well, would be the answer to his greatest desires, he stole from His beauty.  Then from there, well, we know the story well.  One thing led to another, a woman is pregnant, he has her husband murdered and David's life is never the same again.  His choices all probably felt rational in the midst of them.  To us, they were atrocious.  But I thought this morning in prayer, isn't that us?  Isn't that me?  All the time my want and distrust lead me to steal from God instead of receive from Him.  I know the depths of His love and know if I trust He will answer, but still I won't always let myself go there.  And I end up like David begging to be filled again anew with joy of right relationship with God.

But even further, I think this passage shows us the depths of David's heart.  The goodness.  His heart truly is contrite and he know what true contrition is... "You desire a broken and contrite heart." "Thank you for these broken bones..."  He gets it and I think he always did.  BUT, we don't see the depths of David's heart until he falls.  It is not until then that he wants with everything to have back what he lost and serve God with everything that he is.

"A clean heart create for me, God.  Renew within me a steadfast spirit." Ps. 51:12

"Restore to me the gladness of your salvation, uphold for me with a wiling spirit" Ps. 51: 14

"I will teach the wicked your ways, that sinners may rerun to you." Ps. 51: 15

Isn't that us?  Isn't that me?  I become content sometimes knowing the depth of God only through my desire to have him back when I choose to lose Him.  Ya feel me? I know He wants SO MUCH MORE and I know there is so much more waiting for me.  I know in my secret heart (Ps. 51:6) the fullness of joy awaits me and one that can only grow, not move backwards.  One that will grow to a mystical life, a life of service and finally one of eternal joy.  But I am content, comfortable, rather, with staying in this strange, manly thing. This constant, cyclical nature of a spiritual life that takes shape from me saying, "Nah, God, I got this" and then realizing I don't after I fail and feel the weight of my choices.  This morning, I was challenged to step beyond this.  To step beyond only knowing the depths of my heart when I fall and beat myself up for doing so.  I was challenged to choose virtue instead of sometimes-virtue.

And then I remembered this quote from C.S. Lewis that I read yesterday that brought it together for me:

"We can't go on indefinitely just being ordinary, decent eggs.  We must be hatched or go bad." 

This is Matt, and I'll see you next time, but you don't have to take my word for it.  

Psalm 51

Today, I read Psalm 51. This really hit home for me in a lot of ways. I realized that God wants all of me. Not just part of me.... not just the good.... not just when it is convenient for me... He wants all of me. He seeks my heart in the purest form, but in return, I must seek Him.

The part that really struck me during this Psalm was ...

"Behold, you desire true sincerity; and secretly you teach me wisdom."

Often times in prayer I try to put up a front of being this overly holy man. Sure, I seek forgiveness when needed, but I don't always let Him in on my biggest struggles. He want me to be me. I need to come to terms that He does want to teach me wisdom, but I'm often too proud to listen.