Lord, Is That Really You?

My usual, long-winded blogging self was left speechless this last week in prayer.  I was left speechless by Jesus on the Crucifix.  Let me explain...

I was having a friendly discussion about the Protestant Reformation and the topic of Martin Luther, his credibility and honestly, his ego.  I learned something about him that I never knew before.  In the midst all his effort to "reform" the Church, Martin Luther became very adverse to the Crucifix.  In fact, he was never able to look at  a crucifix again.  This struck me.  And I took that with me this week.  I took it with me into my own prayer and contemplation on John 21: 15-19 and 1Peter 2:21-25.

I had a hard time connecting with the Lord in these stories.  I am not sure if it was just the state of my soul this week or a deeper spiritual level that Jesus is beckoning me to dig to.  Nonetheless, Jesus was a distant figure.  I read the story of Peter and the resurrected Jesus talking at the end of John's gospel and was not moved by Jesus as I usually am in that story.  I am always moved as if I was Peter in that story.  I love how Jesus loves him.  He shows him that his mercy is beyond anything he can do, including turning his back on him after three years of intimate friendship.  I saw myself as Peter again, but this time grappling with the depths of my knowledge of Jesus and really the basis of our relationship.  I asked myself, what do I see when I see Jesus in that story?  Do I see resurrection?  Do I see mercy?  Most importantly, do I see redemption?

I know redemption is real and attainable, but my heart does not know the depths of it.  Like Martin Luther, if I was in that story, I would struggle to look Jesus in the eye.  I struggle with the confidence of knowing his mercy and his call to continue walking with him.  That took me to 1 Peter where I meditated further on Jesus the person, but this time on the Cross... "by his wounds you have been healed."

I am left asking, is that the same Jesus I am desperately wanting to know?  What is getting in the way of me getting there?  And can I look at the Crucifix with that same desire to know him and love him right where he hangs?

Lord, is that really you?